I understand your pain. All these well-wishers and do-gooders will never understand that mental illness is the worst disease of them all because no one can see inside your mind. They just throw pills and "talk therapy" at the problem, or put you in the looney bin. Believe me, I know--I've been through it all. I would rather have cancer than be insane. At least cancer they can treat.
16 years ago I took a combination of 30 Restoril, 50 Ativan, and several shots of high-proof gin on an empty stomach . I only weighed 105 at the time. It took awhile, but I finally passed out. My boyfriend found me and called the ambulance. I died and was revived on the way to the hospital.
Woke up with a breathing tube in my throat, lying on a table surrounded by a group of emergency staff screaming at me to wake up. The head doctor was too dumb to notice I WAS awake, and since my lungs were working again, I started to choke to death. I thought, how ironic...I wanted to kill myself, but instead they brought me back to life only to try to kill me again. I bumped the nurse with my fist to get her attention and she said, "Oh, she's a feisty one!" and they TIED ME TO THE TABLE with rubber wrist restraints. When foam started flowing out of my mouth, someone said, "Maybe she is choking," and finally took the tube out. When I finished coughing I cursed them all to hell. They were so indignant, as though I should have been grateful to them.
I WANTED TO DIE. I STILL WANT TO DIE.
I have tried taking 200 Klonopin (clonazepam) and it did nothing at all. Xanax won't kill you, either, no matter how much you take.
HOWEVER: This might work for you, and painlessly. I have taken a combination of 50 Ativan (lorazepam), a fifth of 90-proof gin, and an 8 oz bottle of Tussionex cough syrup. The amount of gin alone would kill most people. I'm a hard-core alcoholic and my tolerance for drugs is extremely high, so I (obviously) didn't die, but I came very close. I told my boyfriend beforehand that if he ever found me unconscious again and called an ambulance, I would kill him and everyone involved after I woke up, so he left me alone. Anyway, this combination would probably work for you even with just a few shots of gin or another strong liquor of your choice. You'll go to sleep and not wake up. If you don't die, it won't damage you. You'll still be depressed, but intact. It's worth a try.